There are a lot of aspects about this new life that just plain suck. We’ve watched as Asa has endured more physical pain than our hearts could bear. We’ve seen developmental milestone months come and go without actually seeing those milestones reached. We have pain and trauma deep in our hearts from his short almost-11 months of life, with the understanding that we are just in the beginning of this long path of Asa’s medical journey (not to mention his emotional journey). We want more for him, we want more for our family.
When the initial adrenaline of this current hospital stay wore off and I was able to relax a little once Ryan came home from his work trip and once baby became more stable, I found myself in yet another layer of this process. Trauma, disappointment, and uncertainty reared it’s heavy head once again. I had been off social media for the week Ryan was gone and downloaded Instagram again to post an update. Within the first 5 minutes I saw friends’ posts of how their lives were moving forward. How they were doing things they loved to do, with children who were healthy. (Comparison on social media is another topic for another day, because I know it affects us all🙋🏽♀️). It’s a hard thing to navigate. Being excited and supportive of friends as they go on adventures, watch their kids’ relationships blossom between each other, have time to do normal things, and to even be in the “mundane”. Oh how I have coveted the mundane, the ordinary, the simple. What I would give to have 2 healthy boys at home, to run to Target with both of them even if they’re screaming. To go to the park having to keep a close eye on 2 active boys. To be exhausted at the end of yet another “normal” day because 2 kids under 3 is no small feat. I try to stay in a place of sympathy and understanding as I hear people complain about how tired they are, how hard this stage of small children is. And while I really do understand that this is a tiring stage, and believe everyone is in a process of their own, I sometimes envy the situations and life they complain about. I also know families with kids who are far sicker, maybe who have even experienced the death of a child, who might even envy mine.
The other week I made a few stories on Instagram of myself talking (which I never do) but never posted them. My heart was heavy with gratitude. I wanted people to remember that even if the day was hard, there was still so much to be thankful for. My world has expanded since Asa’s life. A world of pain, loss, disease, and suffering exists for so many around us. Sometimes the reminder of what’s difficult in others’ lives can be a good perspective shift for ours.
If you can still hold your loved ones, if those around you are healthy, if you have a roof over your head and food in your stomach, you my friend, are blessed. Sometimes we can get so caught up in wanting more, dreaming bigger, making more money, etc that we forget about what’s good right in front of us. Life throws us lots of curve balls, but if we can remember what we DO have at the end of each day, this life is going to be a lot more enjoyable. For both ourselves and the ones around us.
Cassie Ellis 
Love you all . . . praying for you all. You’re so right that even in the hardest days, there is so much to be thankful for. And praise is the quickest way out of depression, out of comparison, out of bondage to whatever our world-generated lies our heads are holding. Love seeing the grace of Jesus flowing through you!
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Hi Cassie! My name is Susan and I randomly stumbled across your instagram and blog after finding one of Ryan’s songs. I wanted to share just a little with how you and your family’s life has been a light in my life. I know, it seems so ironic, given that there must be so many days where it must feel like darkness for you. But Cassie, I truly believe God’s hand is on your life because God is using your journey as a mother of Asa and Koa in ways you arent able to see in this current moment!! Your blog, your instagram posts.. remind me of the supernatural joy we find in Jesus, even in the midst of our suffering. There is nooo way the type of joy you experience in ALL this, is possible. Joy cannot be manufactured!! When you try to find gratitude in the midst of where nothing seems good in comparison to others, when you say that you would choose Asa and Koa again and again, and when you find joy in Asa’a tiny victories.. those small pockets of joy has been giving me strength and encouragement even in my walk with Jesus! I pray for your family alot and i will continue to do so! i believe Joy sweetens life in all circumstances and I pray that the Lord would be with your family in every situation and that He would continue to mold you into a woman after God’s heart – one who’s hope and expectations are in Him, no matter life’s circumstances. You are not alone, Cassie! Praying for you when you don’t have the strength to do so. dont even know you guys, but love you guys! haha
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Wow Susan, thank you so much for taking the time to follow our story and to write this encouraging letter. This means so much to me, thank you❤️
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So touched by your vulnerability, Cass. Love you so much ❤️ praying for your sweet family!
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I remember how the name Asa came to you and the thought that he would restore true worship, as did King Asa in his day. And as i prayed for you all this morning, i was reminded that indeed, praising God in the middle of the “stuff,” trusting Him in the long, hard, processes that seem to have no end, resting in faith in His goodness when nothing seems especially “good”—that is true worship. it’s not about the newest song or the coolest band or even how long you held your hands in the air and sang. it’s about this. Asa is restoring true worship because he is exactly the person God meant him to be, in all the difficulty and all the waiting and weariness…because his situation is driving you all deeper into God’s heart and bringing out treasure that can’t come any other way. There is deep, abiding glory being built into your souls that can’t be explained in words—and that glorifies your Father in heaven, a worship of the purest kind. Love you all!
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