The morning of Izzy’s birth started with a hummingbird sighting outside my small bathroom window. I was pausing for a contraction as the sun was rising and I heard the familiar hum. I quickly picked up my head from dangling as I swayed through the wave of the contraction and saw the first hummingbird I’ve seen in almost a year. Hummingbirds remind us of Asa. After he died, I asked God to not give me dreams. It was too painful. As the months dragged on, I wanted a sign. I wanted a symbol for Asa. Something that could always remind me of him. Not that I needed reminding, he was (and still is) on my mind all the time. But I wanted something that told me he was here. The day I asked for my sign, I saw 3 hummingbirds. In the next few days I saw multiple a day. They were comforting and each time Ryan, Koa, and I would scream, “hummingbird!” And we’d stand in awe until it left our view. Then they disappeared, as what happens with the seasons, and the next one to reveal itself came on the very day I birthed Asa’s little sister. I felt him near.

I had been contracting since 2am. They woke me from my sleep and I immediately got up out of bed and started cleaning the house. I even made a fire to keep me company. I wondered if they’d go away in the morning because it was 4 days before my due date and I’ve never delivered early.. but I was cleaning the house at 2am.. I should have known they were staying 😅. They were manageable by myself so I let Ryan sleep. He woke occasionally to check in with me or to snap a picture, excited that something was happening yet still tired. A little before the sun rose he got up out of bed and inflated and filled the birth tub right in front of the fireplace. He re-lit the fire that had gone out and created a very sweet birthing atmosphere for me. Ryan neatly laid out all the midwife’s tools from the birth kit we had purchased only days prior. Then he rushed to grab donuts and snacks for anyone in our house that day, flowers for me, and a cute stuffed animal he picked out for baby while I tried to get some sleep.

Koa kept coming in to check on me, so excited that “baby was coming”. He helped me through a few contractions by rubbing my back. It was so sweet to see him and Ryan so excited.

I started to need help during the contractions which had begun at 2-3 minutes apart and were now 6-8 minutes apart but stronger. Ryan stopped to push on my back when I asked him to and I let my doula/ best friend Brae know I had been contracting all morning. I told her it probably wasn’t time for her to come because I didn’t want to waste her time, but also she has 4 kids at home so maybe she should come regardless just to get a break and hang out with me😅.

Nana and Papa came over to pick up Koa around 7:30am, Ryan and I left for a walk around the neighborhood, Brae arrived at 8:30, and our good friend Allie who had been staying with us for a few days left to catch her plane at 9. Contractions were strong but far apart still so Brae suggested we do some curb walking. They picked up while I moved but slowed down when I rested. I figured I was still in very early labor. At 10am my midwife Lindsey checked in with me since I had told her contractions had started earlier that morning. She asked if I wanted her to come by and I almost said no, not wanting to waste her time, but said sure instead. I was half expecting her to tell me I wasn’t dilated much so I could try to rest and take a nap. She arrived at 11:30am with an assistant who is also a midwife and her best friend, Ashlee. I had been hoping Ashlee would be at my birth! We casually chatted for a bit then she suggested she check my dilation. I laid down on the couch and after a few moments the biggest grin came over Lindsey’s face. She started laughing as she said, “You’re a 9!”. I was in complete shock! As was Brae and Ryan. The morning had been so casual and contractions pretty bearable. Lindsey asked me to push with the next contraction and said I was fully moving the baby. Everyone started going into action getting warm water in the birth pool, getting supplies ready, and Brae and I staring at each other with wide eyes and laughing at how I was somehow at a 9.

I got in the pool and Brae put on the playlist she had used for her last birth only 3 months prior. Contractions had picked up in timing and strength. As everyone gathered around the tub to support me, we quietly listened to the music that was playing. Emotions had been light and upbeat up until this point. As I waited for my next contraction, in the background I could hear Ray Lamontague’s sweet voice singing “I could hold you forever” and the emotions I feared coming to the surface during birth finally showed themselves. It all hit me. I was brought back to Asa’s birth, remembering myself in transition. Not knowing what was to come. How thrown off we were. The birth itself wasn’t traumatic, but looking back, it was emotionally traumatic once he was born. And here I was, doing it again. Getting ready to push again, fully surrendered to the unknown. Down the hall from the room where he died in our arms. In the same room we had spent 6 hours with Asa’s lifeless body just 15 months prior, pushing off calling the coroners van so we/I could hold him one last time. Ryan and Brae, the 2 safest & closest people on the planet to me, both with their hands on my body supporting me. All 3 of us experienced Asa’s birth and death together, and now this. The song brought me right back to all of it. To all of him. I could have held him forever. I missed him so much. He should be here.

All while my grief was surfacing, the team I had created for this birth was creating space for me. Ryan quietly cried behind me as he supported my back, Ashlee supporting him. Brae crying as she gently put her hand on me, letting me know she was there. My midwife Lindsey verbally coaching me through giving myself permission to release the emotions that were surfacing. I’m not sure how long that moment lasted, but it was powerful. It was exactly what I feared happening throughout pregnancy, yet exactly what I needed. Except there was nothing to fear. The space created by these people around me safely invited me to release it all. It wasn’t overwhelming. It was healing.

During pregnancy my fear was that those emotions would surface and stall my labor. That my body would go into fight or flight, and that it’d choose flight. But I somehow didn’t have one contraction during that time. My body allowed my heart to grieve at what should have been the peak of labor. And after allowing myself to feel & release those emotions my contractions picked up and sent me right into transition. Before I knew it I pushed a couple times and Isabella Rose arrived at 1:33pm. [Earlier that morning I asked God when it would be over and I heard “1:34” then brushed it off calling myself crazy for thinking I could predict it!] I cried as I do after every birth, but I was also more aware mentally than I ever had been. There were things to do. I glanced over her facial features looking for any signs of anything abnormal. I studied her. I asked if her coloring was okay. I traced my fingers on her head and found a soft spot, something Asa didn’t have. I was so thankful to feel that soft spot.

This birth was everything I knew I needed but didn’t know if I’d get. I’ve spent the last year and some months in therapy, walking towards the pain instead of running away from it. The last 2 months were focused on my upcoming birth and any fears associated with it. I had some incredibly powerful sessions through EMDR and in my last session I knew I was ready.

Our time with Izzy has been so healing already. We’re soaking up how “normal” this newborn experience is. We’re exhausted and don’t even care. Waking every 2 hours to feed her night after night feels like a piece of cake. She’s healthy. We’re all at home together. Koa keeps cheerfully saying “we have a baby now and we get to keep her forever”.

Even as I write this, it’s 3am and Koa had a bad dream so he crawled into bed with us. It’s all 4 of us in bed. Initially it feels sweet, Koa doesn’t sleep with us often. It lasts for a moment. “There should be 5” rings in my head. I still savor this time of the 4 of us all cuddled in bed, but there should be 5. We miss Asa a lot. And we’re really happy to be growing our family and to have Izzy here. A tension we will always live in.