Pictures: Walking around during labor, moments after birth, first day at the hospital

Our second son, Asa, was born on June 24th, 2018. I have wanted to write about our journey thus far, I just had no idea where to start. So I’m starting at the beginning. I want to document our experience for a few reasons. One: for myself. I find writing to be extremely therapeutic and much cheaper than therapy haha. Two, for other parents who find themselves in our shoes someday. And three, for you. If you’ve come this far to my [new and under-developed] blog, you’re at least interested in what is going on in our lives right now. My plan is to start at the beginning and write my way to the present. So come with me back to Sunday, June 24th.

My water broke in the morning, which didn’t happen with Koa (our first son, 1 1/2 years old) until I was dilated to 9cm and practically pushing. I was excited because I felt prepared and I was so ready to not be pregnant. I was also nervous. Koa’s labor was traumatic for me. It happened so fast that l couldn’t mentally catch up to the quickly increasing intensity. Well, Asa came faster, but I was prepared for that possibility. I hadn’t had anything more than random cramping throughout the day and it was 7pm so the midwife, Nancy, asked to meet me at 8pm at the birth center for a check up. I arrived with Ryan, the midwife examined me, swept me at 8:30pm, and contractions started almost instantly. We walked around an empty parking lot and nearby pond for an hour and a half. We got to talk about how excited we were for this baby and dream of our sons becoming best friends, rather, partners in crime as Ryan put it. Ryan managed to make me laugh this entire time too, thanks babe. By 10pm my contractions were getting strong enough to where I wasn’t talking through them anymore, so I called my doula/best friend Braelyn to come meet us. She arrived at 10:30.

Contractions were strong and consistent but I was coherent and talking between them, which was drastically different than my first labor. We filled the bathtub shortly after 11pm and I delivered Asa by 11:30pm with a few pushes. Ryan was in the water too, he caught Asa and put him in my arms. As I held our baby I wept. I feel as if this is the most natural reaction, but I’ve seen pictures of mothers who are smiling or even laughing right after labor.. how?! I will never understand that haha. I mainly wept because I could not believe that it was already over. 3 hours of labor total and only 1 of those hours in pain. I thanked Jesus aloud as I cried, it felt like he was the one responsible for delivering me from the intense pain so quickly.

As I calmed down and we began admiring our son, we were a bit confused at how different he looked. But I was also in la-la land with all the hormones rushing through my body. I could tell Ryan was concerned, but I wasn’t. My baby was here and I was done with labor, I was still thankful. I honestly thought maybe we just didn’t make a cute kid, but newborns are rarely cute anyways so no biggie, right? We moved to the bed and I couldn’t help but notice a weird, quiet heaviness in the room. However, everyone still seemed positive and nothing seemed urgent so we all just chatted. They told us that they had been praying they would be at our birth (midwives take shifts so when you go into labor, you get whoever is on-call) and how much of God’s presence they felt when they prayed for that. Also in this time we tried getting Asa to nurse but he wouldn’t, so I just held him on my chest. His vitals were checked and they looked good. All of a sudden we found ourselves alone in the room, holding our new baby. Ryan kept pointing out that he looked different and I reminded him that Koa looked like an alien at birth and is now the cutest kid ever.

Everyone trickled back in after a good amount of time of us being alone. What I found out later was they were trying to figure out what the next step was, knowing something was wrong. They had privately suggested to Brae that she go home, so she hesitantly told us she was going to leave. I kept reassuring her that we were okay and for her to go home and get some rest, but she seemed nervous. Later that week, Brae told me more about that time, from their perspective. They sent Brae home to protect our safety and privacy as they talked to us about Asa. In the other room, Brae asked them why we had remained at the birth center for so long since she knew Asa needed to be looked at by specialists. Nancy responded, “His vitals look fine so there is no rush. They may never get to do this again, where they are just holding their baby like this.” As I write that, my heart aches. It aches with sincere gratitude for her compassion, foresight, and sympathy. That small, kind act is something we could never repay her for. Had we delivered at a hospital, he would have been taken from me immediately. My heart also aches in pain. I could not possibly foresee what was to come, but these few extra hours laying on that bed would be something I held onto so tightly during the following week. And something I cherish even to this day as we are still in the hospital (6 weeks later) & he is hooked up to monitors and I’m not able to lay with him. There was an innocence, a naivety to that time that we will never get back.

After Brae left, the midwives told us it was time for the newborn assessment. It seemed that the more they looked over his body, the more abnormalities they found. Nancy suggested we take him to the hospital before going home just so they could get a good look at him. That felt fine by me because 4 hours had passed and he still hadn’t nursed. I thought to myself, ‘we’ll probably be home by the time Koa is waking up’.

As we followed the midwives to the hospital, things kind of settled in. I was still skeptical that anything was seriously wrong, but Ryan knew. We talked about how this kiddo might be mentally challenged and may even be with us for the rest of his life. Ryan said to me, “If anyone is going to be trusted with caring for a disabled child, it would be you. You have the love and the patience to do this, of course God would trust you with this baby”. When I think of that now, I tear up. It stands out as one of the nicest things anyone could ever say to me. We arrived at the hospital and were escorted to a private room in the NICU. As I was wheeled up to the door there was a team of nurses waiting for us, one of which I recognized. She is a friend of a friend, a fellow mama, and has such a gentleness and safety about her. She hugged me as I came into the room and I cried in her safety and familiarity.

The rest of that 24 hours after birth is a blur. As many different specialists and physicians examined our Asa, they would proceed to tell us news that would send us into the hardest, darkest moments of our lives.